::on a balance beam:: [leni's journal]

[Leni]

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to start one being so new around here, but if there's any problem, I'm sure to understand it. PM me or something.

I also won't make any introduction. Most of you already know me, so... maybe I'll make one when I feel like praising myself, but right now, I won't.

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::September 7th, 2004::

Today's a strange day. I've been in a good mood the past few days, but something happened today that left me sort of empty and feeling lonely. Maybe what happened is not related at all - maybe it's just the thoughts of "why" it went like that that make me feel like this. It's not my fault I'm not social. And it's also not my fault that no matter how I try to break my personal barriers, I always end up hiding behind them.

Today we had arranged to meet and come to my place to watch a couple of movies. And so we did. Lara couldn't come for some reason. The people who came - Francisca, Joao and Patricia - are my closest friends at this rate of my yet-so-short life. I've known João since I was 6. The others appeared in a very important stage of my life - when I changed schools in the middle of the school year, because I just couldn't take everything I was going through in my previous one, nor the memories of all I'd been through before. It's not like we're the best of friends, we're not. And I really don't want to think about them like that because I've been through serious disappointments involving trusting people, so... I just keep my distance. The thing is, that "distance" has turned me into a very quiet, reserved, introvert person, with no actual social abilities. But this is not the point.

Anyway, we met. And the moment we all were together, I started feeling like I never had felt for a while. My hands started sweating, and the stammering I get when I'm surrounded by people I don't know came back. Really out of place, since those are people I'm used to deal with everyday. The thing is, I wasn't myself. Specially with Patricia, we often make fun of everything and are always laughing and today even though I tried to make the same sort of comments, they just didn't work. And the more I spoke and the more I tried, the more I felt like hiding in someplace no one could find me at. So we came here. After like, 1 hour of movie I could see everyone was feeling sleepy. This got me even more nervous about myself and how to act. Plus my dog wouldn't ever shut up. And then I started thinking how ridiculous the whole "let's come here and watch something" idea was. Not for me, because I love movies, but sometimes people when they turn a certain age think these little get togethers are a bit childish and tend to spend their afternoons in a Café or something. I just started to freak out. On the inside, of course. Then they left. And I think what depressed me most was that once I was alone, I was almost happy.

I don't know what makes me like being alone so much. And I guess it's wrong, isn't it? I should go out more often, be with those people more often so I wouldn't feel so out of place when with them, shouldn't I? But alone is how I feel comfortable. Quiet is how I feel comfortable. But surely people don't feel comfortable around such a person. And that scares me. It also scares me how insecure I get while talking to Him. Because I end up saying things that, in a normal, state, I would never say. Trying to be funny at all costs, just so He doesn't feel bored. But do I feel any better? No, I just feel stupid.

I think I just have to live with the fact that I'm a social catastrophe. And with the fact that I'm terribly afraid of people. I've seen their worse side, I've seen what they can do to you, I've seen that the trustworthy ones can be counted just with five fingers. It really doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that if I go on with this sort of attitude, I will never, ever, cherish my teenage years. And they're almost over. They say this is the best time of our lives - to me, it most certainly wasn't. I was pushed aside by those whose teenagehood was the best time of their lives. Probably now they're heading to their 20's feeling secure about what they're doing because their path was so clear before, everything happened so easily to them. But I'm heading to my 20's knowing that I spent 8 years spending my free time at home with my books, my films and my computer. Things I like, things I love. But things that will never get me what I wish.

It also worries me that I'm putting my future on His hands and he doesn't realise it. Part of why I'm going to Porto for Uni is because that means being near to Him (though it's just a 8% in a 100% scale) and the group of people I already feel comfortable with, since they don't seem to bother with my quietness. But I know that this has lots of implications to it. But at the same time, I also know I have to move away from home, to start all over again. And starting over again, from scratch, is my main priority right now.

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[Leni]

::Semptember 8th, 2004::

While I was reading Terra de Neve, I stumbled on this sentence: "A culpa não é minha. É tua. Foste tu que jogaste e perdeste. És tu o fraco, não eu." [It's not my fault. It's yours. It was you who played and lost. You're the weak one, not me]. And it's true, he was the weak one, not me. He played but didn't lose, he gave up. But he's the weak one because he gave up. I didn't, I kept going. To a point when things are just impossible to get done with. He's the weak one for running away. From what, I don't know. I tend to believe that it meant almost nothing to him, that it was something he is used to do. We do need to talk things over (again, last time was in May). But I don't have the courage to bother him with this subject again, and it also won't make any difference. Two days ago he noticed I was a bit down through my MSN nicknames, he asked me who had upset me and I said I didn't want to talk about it. Today, I had that quote on my nickname and he said "you really are fucked up", and when I tried to skive off saying I wasn't that much he said "come on, your nicknames speak for theirselves, tell me about it". And once again I said I didn't want to talk about it, I promised I would let him know what was going on, but not right now. Why do I find it so hard to tell him that what upsets me is this situation, me being stuck in something I can't forget, can't let go because things grew out of my hands?

Today was a normal day, went out this afternoon with Francisca, I needed something done at the Finances. But since it was the first time I went there, I got on the wrong floor conviced I was on the right one, and when I found out my mistake and went to the right floor, the door was already closed. I rang the bell, they sent me away. They're extremely friendly, the people who work in Finances and such departments.

School starts next week, Velvet Revolver gig this Sunday, my first piano lesson (after 6 years of practice and another 6 of break) on the 17th and trip to the North on the 17th. I'm gonna tell him I'm going there. We'll see what happens. Though I can't go to Porto because it's my grandmother's birthday... well, it's the same distance from Porto to where I am, right? Like he'd ever come.

[Lianne]

About your first Entry:

i understand how it is to have become quiet and reserved. I dont make time for my friends, not that they try to contact me anyways, but you know i always could call them.

Im not like i used to be either, and change is a big part of lif. If you are more comfortable quiet and reserved, it is perfectly fine for you to be so, go out with your friends when you get lonely, even if it is only for an hours coffee.

trust is also a very delicate thing, i understand that, because of my school situations. *hugs*

it will all be better, and hey, socail catastrophes may ponly be alittle things that seem big, but i think that might all vbe better once you are back in class.

[Leni]

Lianne *hugs*

Yes, trust. I always tend to trust people who are nice to me instantly, because it's such a rare thing to have people being nice to me without second intentions, you know? So I just trust them right away. I've done two major screw-ups thanks to this naïveness, and I've promised myself I wouldn't do anything again, and so far, I'm keeping the promise. There are different kinds of trust, to me. There are the things I can tell my friends - things that matter to me but aren't too important, things I know that if they decide to tell someone else won't put me in a bad situation. This seems to show I don't trust my friends but no, I do trust them, it's just that I'm very careful about what I tell and to whom I tell. Then the real things I keep them to myself - wrong thing to do but.. *shrug*

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::September 9th, 2004::

I'm going through a seriously boring afternoon. There are a lot of things I can be doing now, but like my mother told me the other day, 'your whole body and brain is under the control of your lazyness'. So I guess this explains it. Plus, I really don't feel like killing myself trying to find the exact shade of violet I used in the whole box - I need it to cover a few mistakes here and there, I've tried to make it again and it always comes out much lighter. I have 4 days to finish it, so I'm okay... I guess. I hope my lazyness won't make me finish it on the last minute. I could also watch Wuthering Heights again but I don't want to cry, and that movie makes me cry a lot. So I'm just waiting for my mother to pick me up, but it's already 7 and everything closes at 7. *sigh* My problems are so futile, aren't they?

Last night I kinda told him how I felt for him. It wasn't directly at him but I think he understood. We were talking about vampires and then:

Me: They could make you one of them..
Him: Why would I want to be one of them if I can be me?
Me: And do you like so much about yourself? Tell me.
Him: The question is, what's there not to love in me?
Me: No, the real question is, what can you do to the ones that love you?
Him: Respect them.
Me: What if that's not enough?
Him: Enough for who?
Me: Enough for them.
Him: It's their need, not mine.

It's my need, not his. So selfish, right? I'm determined to forget him, this time. I know I'll most certainly fail, or maybe have phases that I can't go on with, but I'm determined to. It's my need to get this over and done with. It's been almost a year.

I'll edit this sometime later, I need to get out of this chair. I'm so bored.

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[Leni]

::September 13th, 2004::

Current Music:
Stone Temple Pilots - Wicked Garden

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It's been a while since I last updated, but the truth is that there isn't much to write about School still hasn't begun, and no one knows when it will. Some say it's this Thursday, some say it's next Thursday, so I guess I'll have to end up calling them sometime this week. At least I hope the schedules come out. And I also have to swtich some books, as a result of my change-of-subject crisis. The crisis when I was forced to keep changing subject until the superiors from the Association were satisfied. I just hope that not having Philosophy won't damage anything in my future, since some of the courses I want to major in ask for it (among others, they say it's either English, Portuguese or Philosophy). I am looking forward for this year to start, it's been a long, long time since I've done something productive. Plus it's the last year ... graduation year as you call it, so I really have to work my ass off on this one, since my overall mark is very low to get in any University. Or maybe it's good to get in University, it just isn't good for me because I know I can do much better than that. Yeah, I guess I'm gonna push myself to the limit this year and see what happens. If I break down again, it won't be anything I'm not used to.

I'm gradually forgetting him. I think that the "it's their need not mine" statement had something to do with this. I came to realise that maybe the minimum stuff I asked was too much, maybe it was the borderline of the impossible. So I'm trying not to think much about it and I'm proud to say that it's been two days or three since what he says or does affects me. Though he's not been saying anything at all, we barely talk It's a good thing, but I miss it, because after all, we were friends. Last night I weakened up a bit because I told him I was finding him a bit strange, a bit cold, to which he said "no, you are strange, with all those crazy nicknames". My crazy nicknames are sad nicknames that are maybe a bit too explicit. So I told him that today we'd talk about it, and I've already told him everything but he hasn't replied, and it's been one hour and a half. I told him that above all I didn't want to lose what we had gained since November, the good relationship we had going on. That I didn't want things to be any different, even though I was saying that I was trying to forget November. I'm kinda nervous about his answer, but using every piece of strenght in me to be prepared to whatever may come.

Velvet Revolver was amazing in every sense of the word. Part of my thoughts on the concert are a bit censored, so I won't share them here nor anywhere but let me just say that though Slash was the main attraction (not for me, though), Scott Weiland was certainly the strongest presence on stage (much more than I was expecting). Adding that he's very punk-glam-rockish nowadays, specially last night (with silver pants and black platform shoes), I guess this leaves you a little glimpse of the delirious state I was last night. I've been downloading Stone Temple Pilots all day, and I think I finally found my grunge reference, after trying Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains and The Smashing Pumpkins.

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"Creep"
Stone Temple Pilots

Forward yesterday
Makes me wanna stay
What they said was real
Makes me wanna steal
Livin' under house
Guess I'm livin', I'm a mouse
All's I gots is time
Got no meaning, just a rhyme

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause he likes to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to be
Because I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
Because I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
Because I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be

Feelin' uninspired
Think I'll start a fire
Everybody run
Bobby's got a gun
Think you're kinda neat
Then she tells me I'm a creep
Friends don't mean a thing
Guess I'll leave it up to me

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to be
Because I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
Because I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
Because I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to be
Because I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
Because I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
Because I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be,
Half the man I used to be

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Man of the night:

[Leni]

::September 14th::

8:23 pm

Current Music:
PJ Harvey - Is This Desire (the album)

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I saw Tiago (let's call him that, it's not how he's known around here but its his first name after all) again today, and once again he pretended he didn't know me. I wonder what he's playing at. I know we spoke 2 months ago and it was just, like, 5 minutes, but it was a good conversation after all, I guess. It's no excuse for him to pretend he never saw me in his life, right? Last Sunday he spoke to a guy who was in my group and didn't even smile. And smiling is such a thing he does so often. Today I saw him with his girlfriend, he did the same thing again, and I was like, staring at him this time, he passed so near. It frustrates me, really. Does a smile cost so much? And his girlfriend has nothing to do with him, she's one of those preppy girls who like pop music and wear fluorescent bracelets and shit like that. But you know, when hunger strikes, people tend to go for the easier preys. Thing is, this easy prey is lasting for two, three months now. Oh well, none of my business really, it's not like I know him. Mariana told me he didn't apply for any University, that he's going to work in an apothecary, so maybe I'll make him some visits. And then let's see who's pretending.

If only he didn't look so much like Craig Nicholls and Conor Oberst. He's more like Conor now because his hair is shorter and the nose is identical.

Last night I went to bed at about 3 am and only managed to fall asleep at 5.45, my mum was getting up. I don't know, I guess I'm still a little bit freaked out with the idea of throwing up, even after what happened so recently in Barcelona. I guess we're never rid of our phobias. So I ended up sleeping just 6 hours, my head feels a little heavy now. But it was a great day, I went out with Ciska during the afternoon to spend money, then we stopped by the coffee shop and Patricia showed up, so we had a good time. It was nice. I didn't feel like I did that other day I was with the group, so I guess that's good.

Last night he replied. After my long speech the only thing he asked about were if my nicknames were towards him. I asked him if that was the only thing that mattered and that no, I wasn't accusing him of anything, they were just reflexes of the things I was feeling that time. He asked "about?", to which I said, "about what I felt for liking you... the problem wasn't what I felt for you, no, that was never a problem". After more stuff I asked him if I ever had mattered, he said that he didn't think it was polite of me to ask him for examples, but that my opinion did count. So yeah. That's how things currently are.

[Leni]

::September 15th, 2004::

It's nice to know how your ideas of making other person feel better are such nicely repayed. I make my mum feel better with little actions that make her feel better and how does she repay me? Jesus, by calling me a misbehaved kid, is that it? Fuck that. I might as well go up to the kitchen and torn the fucking concert tickets apart, just to show her how my kindness can be given away as easily as it comes.

Not in the best of moods. Everyone my age is going to Uni except me for being a stupid bitch who had to repeat fucking Year 10.

[Leni]

I need some reasons to be talking to one of the people I less respect. I mean, I like to think she's making an effort to be nice to me, and I'm making an effort to be nice to her as well, but I'm not saying much because I don't trust her, and then she goes 'round saying I'm a quiet kid and I don't know what else. I really don't want to talk to her. But I don't want to be rude. And I don't like the famous monossilabe technique that some people seem to have acquired recently. And other thing I hate tremendously is that MSN smiley "". I don't know why, it makes me feel that people think I'm boring and are pitying me. Specially because... *sigh* well doesn't matter.

I haven't been in the best of moods lately (how long has lately been?) but I think I'm hiding it well. I don't want to disturb anyone with my sadness, and I don't want to bore anyone because the reason is always the same. But sometimes I just can't keep all of it inside, when I see certain things or say certain things or start thinking that I'm boring and irrational and too immature to the eyes of people I don't wanna be immature to. Because then everything falls back on me again, I remember everything and... yes, the reason is always the same. There's nothing I can do about it except try to get a move on. I'm not even saying forgetting because, well, how can I? I think no one is able to forget anything, everything stays here and comes to the surface once in a while. So I won't forget. I don't want to forget. But I'd appreciate a little indifference from my part and a little move on because the truth is that I'm starting to feel annoyed with the situation (what situation?), I can't take it anymore, I can't afford feeling this way any longer but I can't fucking stop it. And if what is happening here is an effort from the other part for me to forget things, it's not fucking working, it's making them more vivid. And if I hurt the other part by saying that I was trying to forget things, dammit, I was just explaining what I was feeling and why I was down and acting weird and everything. So I'm sorry if I ended up hurting anyone. I was just explaining how I was feeling. So if I can't do that anymore, fuck everything.

I just want to be a better person, but what's a better person? Nowadays a good person is a hipocrit, is someone who calls "sweetie" to every bitch she sees even if she doesn't like it. Those are the ones who get the goods nowadays. What about us? The ones who're patient, the ones who wait? What can we do? Nothing! And I can't stand doing nothing about it because I want to change, I do want to change, I want to be everything everyone wants them to be and match their opinions of me because if I'm not what they want me to be I'll end up pleasing no one, not even myself. It's coming to an end that I need to be loved, I need attention, I need the sort of fucking reassurance I give everyone all the time. Shit. I'm tired of living everyone elses lives, I want to live my own. But I've been so busy making amends for others and giving to others that I seem to have forgotten what I have to do and amend about myself. And no one's here to give me a hand, everyone's too busy with their lives.

[Leni]

::September 21st, 2004::

That last entry was kind of a rush, kind of venting what I was feeling at the moment and still feeling today. The truth is that I've been kind of stressed lately, basicallt because of school and the constant post-poning, and that makes me feel stressed about everything that makes me upset. I made another scene with him last night, and he said something like, "Yeah, I know you, and you know me too so you know I don't like this stresses at all". He's right. And I know that the more I say and the more scenes I make, the less he'll want to speak to me. So I've made up my mind. The only way to calm things down is stop coming online so often, if not, stop coming online at all. Maybe if we don't talk for three weeks or so things will be different - or maybe if a month goes by, things will only get colder. But I do need a break from everything. I don't want to ruin the little I have with him because of my nonsense.

So starting today I'm going to lock the door of this room and give the key to my mum, she says she'll hide it for me. Of course I'll come online once in a while, to update this, to weigh in, an hour or so on MSN. But it will be different. I also think it will help me with school issues, since I really have to turn into an Hermione this year and eat the books, if necessary.

So that's it.

[Leni]

::September 23rd, 2004::

I don't have much to say. Last night my connection went weird, so I couldn't come online all night, thankfully. I mean, I'm planning to spend less time online but it doesn't mean the connection has to break. But it was good, at least I managed to spend one entire night not bothering with the computer. Or so I thought. I ended up writing some texts while listening to The Strokes. Yes. The Strokes. I surrendered. I don't even want to talk about The Vines right now, that show made me really angry.. it's such a shame Craig gives it all away, such a shame! Because if it weren't for that, they could be a very decent band out there promoting their album. Such a poser. I just wish he could stick to what he says on interviews, to the image he gives us through the coherent words he says, rather than being a total jerk on stage. Now I don't know if the real him is the jerk or the intelligent person who speaks and answers the way he does. Anyway, does it matter? I don't think so. As long as he keeps writing the way he does, and as long as their albums keep sounding the way they do, that's alright with me. And if they ever come here, I'll go, naturally. With a pair of ear muffs.

The sad news is that my grandmother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer. She says it isn't Alzheimer, it's Parkinson, but what does she understand? My father's going with her to the doctor again in November to hear for himself what he has to say, since my grandmother insists it's Parkinson and my grandfather can't remember what he heard. One thing's sure, she really is ill, she's always been, as far as I can remember her. I just thought she was a bit hypochondriacal and exaggerated the natural symptons of someone her age (around 80). So I can't say anything straight yet because no one's sure about her disease because she couldn't hear it properly yesterday. But whether it's Alzheimer or Parkinson, it's serious, nontheless. I'm just worried about my father. I know it sounds terribly selfish of me, but it's just that I don't have any particular attachments to that side of my family. I'm sad, of course I am, but I'm tremendously worried about how things will be once the disease starts spreading itself. Because my grandfather can't handle the situation on his own, I'm not seeing him handling the natural situations of someone suffering from Alzheimer. They live alone in a huge, huge house. My grandmother will eventually need assistance, or a nurse, she always has, but my grandfather's greedy enough to the point of denying her one. Unless my uncle reveals some signs of caring, my father's going to be the one to take the whole situation on his shoulders, and I'm worried about it, because he's never been a patient person and his nerves were never something to rely on. And if my father begins acting like he did around the house when I was young, with all those nervous breakdowns, I'm afraid my mother will also have a breakdown, like she did back then. So I'm worried.

[Leni]

Too disappointed with TD to post anything proper. I guess this is my contribution for the day.