Grab your bag and let's go

[nancy]

Hello
Grab your bag and let's go
More out of place than anything you know
Like an opera at a disco
When all we wanted was a rock show
Tonight

~Mae "Last Call"

Current song: Two Days in February - Goo Goo Dolls

Starting a journal on the very day I joined. How nice and rushed. Though technically, I re-joined. I was a member sometime... about 2 years ago. Yeah. So if anyone ever reads this and wants to comment, I s'pose you can all post here. Yeah.

So, I've changed in this time. My friends have changed. Kids don't pick on me so much anymore. Probably because I finally learned what my place in the world is, and I've been doing my best to not see anyone like that. I still see kids like that sometimes, like, on the school bus, but I'm always listening to music and reading homework there, so that's unimportant. I hardly ever listen to anything they say.
I'm really cynical with my friends lately. I was thinking about it the other day, and it's like, it's my defense mechanism. It always used to work when I needed it to, and then it would just, go off or something when I was with my friends. Lately it hasn't been doing that. I can hardly ever think of something to say, and when I do, I'll just comment on it to whichever of my friends is sitting next to me. And sometimes I offend my friends, when I really don't mean to.
My friends. I'm really worried about some of them lately, and confused. Because everyone thinks I'm a selfish little kid, when I'm really just tryin' to do the right thing, when sometimes, I'm really just trying to help out. And I'm trying hard. And I'm getting better at it, which makes me feel good.
But it's like, that's sort of why I didn't talk much to Anna when her dad died a year ago. I just didn't know what to say to her, so I figured it was better to avoid her, and then she started doubting we were friends, but yeah! We *were* friends. I just had no idea what to say to her. Now I know what to tell her when she remembers. And I know what to tell everyone when they're sad.
And I mostly just make them laugh. That's my special talent. Though sometimes people laugh when I'm serious and look at me weird when I'm trying to be funny and am not. I realized this becaus there's a guy, let's call him H, who's exactly like that. My friend says going out with him would be like going out with a male version of me, and she's probably right.
Anyway, sometimes when one of my friends is very sad and I make them laugh, then they decide they do wanna talk about it, and open up and I help out as much as I can.
I was thinking the other day about how me and Anna used to skip classes in first semester and go to the nice little secret garden in the front of the school. Since the day a teacher caught us (I later learned she's a guy from my class's mum) and told us off, I haven't skipped a class. I'm almost a model student. I would be if I remembered to do all my homework.
I'm doing the International Baccalaureate. This is gonna sound paranoid, but I swear the kids in the other school programs stare at us when they pass our classrooms and we have the curatins open. 'Cause it's true, most of them stare at us, either surprised to see Y there, or surprised to see we're normal and the teacher's tellin' us off, or jealous of us 'cause we have A/C, or hating us 'cause we're smart. School is a crazy place.
I'm doing reasonably well. I got a 100 on TOK, which I wasn't expecting, and mostly 80's on everything else. I miss seeing 90's on my report card.
Oh, and I'm failing art. It brings my average down in ways I cannot describe. I don't even wanna take art. I mean, I love art, but I suck at it. I suck so much I have like 3 extra drawings to do for Tuesday 'cause I have to remake everything, and then I didn't even finish with the wheelchair, and my cart is missing something too, and I'm gonna fail even worse this month. Stef's great at art. Unlike me.
I wonder if they'll let me take pictures for my dossier. It's a lot easier and more fun than drawing.
I didn't go out today. I mean, with my friends. I went to french class. Of course I forgot my homework again, because it's on my math notebook, and it's too early in the morning to remember. So yeah.
I was talking to V for most of the class. We had fun laughing. Turns out she went to snob school too. Latin American School. With Luis and Rene and everything. She goes to public school now, because she wants to be a doctor, and state univeristy's the best in medicine, and it's easier to get into if you go to one of their schools. She does go to the best unit. The same one Marcos goes to, except he does afternoon shift... 2 to 8 pm. I'd rather go in the mornings like I do. And I'm glad I am not at snob school anymore.
It's like those kids I met during the break.. Always pretending. Feeling fat if they ate a lot, but continuing to eat, which didn't make any sense to me. They could never be themselves... And they're only 14. On the second night, we all got really honest. They said how much they hated having to pretend. Me and my friend told them about how our old school was like. The teasing and one-girl-ruling that the popular girls practiced. They were just going on about how damaging it must be for self-esteem of everyone. They're right.
I wonder if the kids who shoved a potato into my ears and mouth have low self-esteem.
I wonder if they even remember that day.
And then I was thinking about how different I could be if I had gone to another school for pre-prep school. I wonder if my prep school friends would be my friends. I wonder if I'd be doing the IB, or if I'd be hanging out with the kids who pick on me on the bus and getting PROED grades. PROED sucks, I'm glad I've never failed 4 subjects in a single month, 'cause they gotta stay every day, even on Fridays, and the environment isn't too nice. They told us on our first week that everyone stayed at PROED sometime. They were almost right. After the first report cards came on our first semester, every freshman kid on my bus stayed, except me and some guy whose name I dunno. But I never stayed.
The twins moved a while back. Now whener I stay in the afternoon and one of them does too, we ride home on the same bus, and the kids in front turn and look at us weird when they hear us talking about the Ramones and Misfits and being a misfit and cool bands we like. It's fun when they look at you like that. ;D
Anywaaay... Saturday Night Live's coming on right about now. So I'm off.

[nancy]

Current song- Break Myself - Something Corporate

So, I'm supposed to be doing history homework but I can't concentrate on it. Because tomorrow is the 3 -minute speech and I'm scared of having to stand there and deliver a 3-minute speech. Because I found it an hour ago, (under the pillow on the other bed ) and I don't have time to learn it.
I feel sick just thinking about it.

*later*

Well, I'm done with my history homework. It looks pretty because I put 4 pictures on it (and it's only 1 and a half pages long.) I hope the information I put on it is also good. I'm still waiting for David to come online to see if we're staying tomorrow to re-do our Physics project. I think my friends in the other classroom are lucky. They got a 100. We got an 80. They have nothing to correct. We got a lot.
I have tried to concentrate on learning my speech, but I can't. I'll cram it in tomorrow morning on the bus. Of course I suck at cramming 'cause I never cram, but I suck even more at public speaking, so I have to cram.
Invader Zim is on tonight at 9:30. It's almost 8, so I have time to have dinner and do some other homeworky stuff before I go watch Zim. And the new CSI comes on here in November. ;D
I have so much homework for Tuesday I'm actually gonna do some today. I don't think I'd done that in ages.
And new music for my mp3 player's important too. I mean, the thing saves my life on the school bus.
And I still haven't found my blue album.
My thoughts aren't very deep today.
I'm starting to dislike Tony. All he ever talks to me about is when homework is due, and if we had homework for [insert subject here.] He really makes me feel used.
I was thinking the other day about how different I'd be if, I d'nno, I'd made friends with other girls in the 3rd grade, or if I didn't have to wear glasses when I was 9, or whatever.
Little things can change the future in bigger ways than we can imagine.
Like I don't understand why am I me, why is my sister her. I don't get what's so different, or why they can't respect me, mostly. "You're a freak, you don't like dances, and you like getting home at midnight, you're never gonna get married because all the people are out at 2 am in the morning so how can you know anyone if you're in at midnight?" I just put on my 'eh?' face, which is my favorite face ever. It's my Confused face and my That's Really Stupid face at the same time. So yeah. Maybe I'll never understand.

I was going to say something. I really was.
I'm really tired. I think I might be coming down with something.

[nancy]

This is important. So important it deserves a new post.
Anna just broke up with Pedro. She called me all crying and I thought something truly awful had happened with him, but no, Thank God he just got her into some problems with her mum, and she realized this and broke up with him today. Good. I'm glad she did. I hope she's firm on it this time, not like last.
I can't believe she trusts me this much. With all the people she could've called, she called me. I'm just glad I could help her out.

[nancy]

I'm so busy this week and next with school stuff and all.
I was thinking about me and my friends' CAS project, and a part of me wants out. I mean, not all people are good. What if *something* happens that we're responsible for? That would be terrible. So I'm gonna check that part out with my friends and the CAS advisor to see what's up with that. I don't wanna be responsible for any accidents or deaths or anything of that sort. I'm too young for this kind of thing.

Alex gave me a paper boat today, made out of trash paper that the kids who made their presentation handed out. He gave me one just like it on Friday.

And I'm still angry at all (most?) of my teachers. Ok, so I did not raise my hand. I almost never do. And the teachers are like "Wait Nancy. Raise your hand!" and with other people, like Alma, they're always like "Repeat that." Ooooh and the spanish teacher makes me maaaad... I'm not the only who talks, but I'm the only one she tells off in a stern mean way.

I hate Mondays. I hate formal clothing. Like, I wore my formal pants and shirt with my wine-red all stars. I did like how I looked that way.

Ecology congress next tuesday.


*later*
I'm going to bed late today doing homework so I can go to bed early tomorrow. This is insane, isn't it? I just spent like, 2 hours trying to find the common name of a stupid plant 'cause apparently it's not what we call it over here, and I needed the common name to find the scientific one, and then I remembered there's a greenhouse not far from my house.
Of course I remembered this when the greenhouse was closed. Smart me.
So, a re-cap of everything I need to do...
*Save money. David, dad, and Stef have their birthdays in mid-October... all on the same day. Buy presents. Buy present for mum. Maybe burn Carlos a CD.
*FINISH PORTFOLIO BY THURSDAY.
*History principal (why can't he just give us a test?? )
*Get started on math lab(s)
*er... do my stuff instead of worrying about it. This ends here.

I hate homework. It messed with your head...


Ana's back with Pedro. I don't get it.
She hated him this morning. But she also hated what she'd done when she broke up with him. Goodness. I hope I never fall in love.

*even later*
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong. Anywhere, I mean.
People scare me sometimes. I feel safe if I'm around people I trust. But I don't trust so many people. That's why I hate Tuesdays and Thursdays at school. Because the classroom's ok and everything, I'm the one who's wrong. The one that can get along with some of the kids one-on-one, or in groups of 3 or 4, but not groups of 23. And David's hanging out with all the guys, and it would be too awkward to hang out with them, and Giselle's with her friend, and it's kind of awkward too, so I barely speak at all those days. I guess it also depends on my mood and on who sits next to me, but for the most part, I'm quiet.
And that's really unlike me.

[nancy]

Current Music: Adam's Song

This all sucks. My day at school was not too good.
I got on the bus this morning feeling very very sleepy and very tired and very stressed because I hand't done a lot of homework because I was looking for some information on other stuff. So, I get on the bus, and there are no good seats left. I had to go and sit at the very back in the *center.* I hate the center with a passion. Soo, there I am, sitting and jumping aorund for half an hour. We got to school at 7:34, 6 minutes later than yesterday. By the time I got to my class it was 7:37 (it usually takes me a minute or so) and I had no time left to homework, so I just left my backpack in my homeroom and went to my friends' homeroom. Silly talk until 7:44, I got to my classroom *after* the bell rang, but the teacher didn't notice. Homeroom's always about things like... being a nice person, and how to say things and stuff. Today we talked about how we say things to our friends and they come out wrong and we shield ourselves with "I didn't mean it that way!" which is very true. It is important later on today. Fast forward to halfway thru first break. My friends and I are sitting on a bench, someone asks me something, and I launch into a whole story. At the end of it I am crying. Sooo, the bell rings, and there I am, feeling extremely stupid because I'm walking to my room crying which is stupid. My friends are trying to make me feel better, and I just want a hug. Which no one gives me.
Then there was history, which was hard to conecentrate on at first, but I managed. I even got to question 8 out of... 15? maybe... which was good considering people like Paulina, the know-it-all with a loud voice who's always contradicting me, only got to question 3 or 4.
Math class was great. I love my math teacher. He's awesome.
And finally, english. English class ruined my life. S and I were walking to the computer room ahead of everyone else, and I said something she didn't want the cute guy who was standing there (he's a senior, not in our class or anything) to hear.

Me: So, anyway, we're like the biggest freaks in the class. You know that too...
S: Don't say those things in front of him!! He might hear!!
Me: (Er... who's he? Oh there *he* is! He's so amazingly cute... I don't think he heard me say that... yeah, he didn't... I like his glasses... Cool shirt today too... he didn't notice us and he didn't hear me either...) Don't worry, he's not gonna remember your face.

I meant to say "I don't think he heard me, and if he did, it's not like that guy's going to notice *us*" I said he would not remember her face. Very nice. Very smart. I wanted to kick myself, like on Say Anything, 'cause I'd just had a half hour lecture on it earlier!! So I fel way too stupid.

She said she'd never tell us (why us?) anything ever again.
How can you be someone's friend if you don't trust that person?
And how could anyone trust *me* of all people? And why does trust end so fast?
It's like, everything I ever did for my friends before isn't worth anything because on a day like today, I go and say something extremely stupid.
I don't know if S's ever gonna trust me again.
Maybe I shouldn't have any friends so then I could not hurt people.

Wrting it makes it seem stupid. But today just had bad vibes about it to being with...

I feel (and this started yesterday, so it has nothing to do with my idiot comments) worthless. No, not worthless, that's not it. I feel... inferior. That's the word. I feel like I'm less than pretty much everyone. I should probably stop comparing myself to other people. That's what I was crying about in break. And that's what my friends said. They said I was OK. They said I didn't need to be the absolute best in everything to be alright. That it was OK for me to be just me, and to keep on being me.
I suppose they're right.
But I'm not sure.

*later*
I'm feeling a lot better than I felt 3 hours ago... Hard work takes your mind off things. And my friend came online and we talked. Even if we only talked about stupid, banal, homeworky things, she offered to send me the lab if I didn't find mine. And she said why she was angry. And she's the one who said hi, so I don't think she hates me.
For the record, I saw Ana and Pedro being very mushy today.

[nancy]

Homework.
Hunger.
Sleepiness.

I have a lot of those 3 things... Especially homework and sleepiness. I did my last activity of the portfolio really mediocredly yesterday just so I could sleep. Then I remembered I had to do art homework, and I did, and it was so terrible I got a 2 out of 10 on it. 2. That's one-fith. Or 20%. I don't think I'd ever gotten a 2. Not even in art.
And I'm really behind in art too, because I get behind on one drawing, and then the whole class has moved on to the next except G and me, and we're never gonna finish.
Especially me.

I wish it was earlier.

[nancy]

October!! ;D
New month, new goals.

1)I will eat and sleep like a normal person and not like a crazy one. I will eat right again, and I am not going to go to bed at 2 am to wake up at 6:12.
2)I will do homework well to get my average up. And my art grade could really use some lifting.
3)I will think *before* I speak, and not after.

I'm tired right now, but I gotta do homework or else I'll never finish. This is what happens when you're behind.

[nancy]

If I wanna buy presents for all the people who have birthdays this month (and I do) and get a cd or two for me (which I also do, I haven't gotten one since... July, when I got The Vines's....) I will have to save up all my allowance. I've been looking up cd and book prices and such on the net, and yeah, I need to save up.
In other news, I have homework. How lovely.

[nancy]

No school tomorrow! Of course, I have to go to some funky ecology (I think...) congress, but who cares?? No school, AND I get to hang with my friends all day and talk about music on our breaks and not have classes.
I hope they like the MD's I burned yesterday. I really liked them, so they better do too... I did them special and all. My friends are awesome.
Sometimes, when people are always looking at you like they're better than you with that awful superiority complex face, you start to believe it.

I would like to announce I just downaloaded 75 GIR phrases, and it's really really funny. I might even put it on my mp3 tonight just to laugh tomorrow on the bus.
I hate the bus.

[nancy]

I can't do my english homework. I can't. I can't talk into the stupid cassette, it makes me nervous. One whole minute. Talking. It's hard.
It's stupid to feel nervous. But I'd feel just as nervous in spanish, or in french, or in japanese which I don't even know. It's the cassette part I don't like.
On the other hand, I'm done with my history project. I freaked out for 2 weeks and now I finished in 4 hours.

[nancy]

Haven't written in a while. Been kinda busy. It's Friday finally today. And I'm going to a gig my friend organized for her birthday tomorrow with a bunch of bands who have friends of hers/ of us in them. Happy happy joy joy.
I got a 9 in english. I passed art.
I flunked today's math quiz.
I'n not really sure what I'm doing. I mean, I don't really take many things seriously, right? Example, english class:

Teacher: Well, a lot of you got nervous when you were taping, I could sense that. And don't think I didn't notice some of you were reading your papers.
Some guy: Well, how were we supposed to do it?
T: Well, it's an informal speech, I just wanted you guys to talk like you would to a friend.
Me: In spanish?
*class snickers*

By the way, I don't like my class that much. Sure, they snicker at what I say in english class, but they made me feel crappy in spanish class because I didn't know the word "christian" could be used for any person, not just, well, a christian. How was I supposed to know that? So I felt stupid because it's usually me that knows things no one else does, and NOT the other way around.
I re-made my history paper, because he gave us a chance to and I'd gotten 75% because I forgot a couple points of the report.
And I gotta re-do half my systems portfolio for wednesday. Needles to say, I have not started it yet.

And the weather's starting to get colder. Yesterday everyone was freezing, because we were NOT expecting the huuuge temperature drop, plus it was raining and it was just colder. Today everyone wore sweaters and stuff, though it was not as cold as yesterday. I love the winter. Winter clothes are cool.

Well, I must go study french before I go out.
And I think I might've just saved enough to fix my bass , though I did give Stef a Thursday CD and all. She loved it.

[nancy]

Current 5-track playlist:
/me Holiday in Cambodia - Dead Kennedys
/me From California - The New Amsterdams
/me Cheer Up Emo Kid - Patent Pending
/me Song About an Angel - Sunny Day Real Estate
/me Pictures, Stars and Dreams - The Juliana Theory
;D

As much as I'm loving the Dead Kennedy's right now (one of the few non-emo/emocore/screamo bands getting regular rotation on my playlist lately,) and as much as I know and am learning about the Cold War period, I'd definitely like them more if I lived in the USA in the 80's (and was not a little kid as I was.)
Of course, that doesn't mean Holiday in Cambodia and California Uber Alles are not great. They are. And MTV Get Off the Air is also great. Some songs are simply timeless, including that one, and of course, Anarchy for Sale. Such a great song.

Speaking of anarchy, yesterday my friend took a book to school, I think it's called "Brief Description of Political Systems of the World," something like that, by some guy called Walter [insert latin american last name.] Our history teacher said he'd read it! He used to be a real communist, but now he says that no one in their right minds would think of communism for Mexico now... Anyway, anarchy... Anarchy, pure true anarchy would be so amazing. It's actually a non-violent system, it has just been deformed by people, as everything always is. Power, money, corruption, cliques... why must these things exist? Can't we all be the same? *Aren't* we all the same? I mean, we're all human. Same race. But... we have different skin colors, and different ideas, and different tastes in music and clothes and TV shows, and so, we must be classified and be different!! Why?
In my head, it just doesn't make sense. And I never wanna grow up, because maybe then it will make sense to me, and I don't want it to!
You and me, well we could change the world... ~Mae
I wish it was that easy, huh?

[nancy]

Goodness. I'm terrible with journals.
I had a great weekend. There was barely any homework, and I played a lot of bass, and a lot of bass, and started reading Kafka, 2 different books, one for school, one 'cause I wanted to.
My new french teacher is alright.
So is Race The Sun.
And so is the fact that Boston is going to win... Man, there's an amazing catch on repeat right now. I love baseball. And I don't know what do I like about the Red Sox, but after the Diamondbacks, my favorites; but they're on different leagues anyway, so it's the same thing.
"It's not use doing a lot of good things if you don't do what you must." I remembered that on Thursday 'cause I was doing homework until like 1 am because I wasted a couple hours in the afternoon. Stupid. Especially because 2 of those things were not even picked up by the teacher.
Anyway, I'm off to do homework because the homework there was I left for tonight, typically. And of course, it's homeroom homework (homeroom is kinda... different in my school) and of course, my homeroom teacher is currently hating me. Soo...

[nancy]

Goodness. I hate homework.
I've been having such an amazingly great amazing week I'm starting to wonder if anything bad is going to happen, aside from m friend or 'friend' calling me egocentric today, and forgetting my math homework and notebook at home, nothing bad has happened. Which is good.
It's great.
And tomorrow is the Day of the Dead! So we're making an altar and stuff in my class... I have no idea who is it going to be made for, but yeah. I have to bring the corn, with leaves and everything.
I just finished reading Brave New World and The Giver. I'm halfway through Kafka's The Process because I want to, I'm reading 1984 because I want to, I'm reading an old old book on subliminal messages because I want to, with some stuff by Cortazar thrown in by the side, and I'll read Fausto and a biography of Hitler when I finish one of them.. In real true life, I should start Metamorphosis,also by Kafka, but it doesn't look too long, and the test on it is Friday two weeks from now, so I s'pose I have time.
I've read a lot more this semester than I've ever read before, because I want to keep up with myself and just as I read a book for class each week, and another one, more important one, evry month, I also read 5 months for me every month. 10 books a month. 120 books a year if I keep that up during summer. Plus all my Reader's Digest and Alternative Press and Guitar World and Bass Guitar magazines.
The average mexican adult reads .5 books per year. So I read that half a book every... 2 days? No... one day and a half. So I read a lot.
We turned in the TOK essay today. I felt really really relieved when we did. I wrote the first 1207 words while David was sick, last week; we hadn't written anything in the month or so we had to write before. David developed some of my ideas while I was away and made the essay into a 1513 word monster.
We only had to write 800.
And I think we'll score really really well on it, we have some great ideas. Especially me. When I showed the teacher my first draft, he loved it.
I bought a Happy Bunny calendar.
The new Greenday CD is amazing. I'd never heard anything like it. I mean, Futures is also a good album. But American Idiot... well... I've always loved Greenday. I love Mike Dirnt's bass playing.
I was kinda bummed I didn't see The Weak's End. Can't wait for another Emery album.
Hmm... apparently I have more homework than I thought I had.
I'm off.

[nancy]

The will to work is just... not here now. It hasn't been all day. It's like, I want to work because I know I have to work because I know if I don't I'm going to fail. But I can't bring myself to work. Like in art class, we had to draw something, it was a quiz. I did it, but it was terrible, and I was too lazy and stuff to fix it...
I must've looked truly dejected for all of art class too. And I was. Goodness, my moods are so volatile. In art class I was thinking about what a failure at school and a terrible friend I was... so instead of working like a regular person I just sat there thinking, sat there making a whale out of my eraser, that kinda stuff.... I felt a lot better when I saw my friends in recess and one of them called me my funky nickname. And then even better when they asked me to stay over after school, because they were going to stay to do who-knows-what, which they ended up not doing...
we were too busy making plans to go see greenday (they're coming here!! OMG... SOMEONE'S COMING HERE! ;D) and looking at how beautiful the sky looked and looking for knights and dragons in clouds, and talking about politics, and the media, and music, and simple plan girl, and culture, and how much it sucks that having so much culture in Mexico we have to go about the american way and take from other cultures so much in architecture and stuff...
I also talked to my math teacher and he said if I behaved and didn't talk so much in class, he'd accept my math lab even though I forgot to give it to him earlier. It won't be easy, but I will prevail.
Seriously, I need to give him the thing. I have no idea how much is it worth, but I got 86 in the first report, and 73 in the second, and I don't think I'm doing so well now either... I need *every* point I can get.
So yeah. I'm not working so well. So... something's gotta be wrong, even if I don't always realize it, because usually when I don't work well it's 'cause I'm either too hyper or too depressed to work.
And I haven't been so hyper either.

I just wish I knew... I wish I knew who, besides my parents, would really miss me if something happened. Who (does anyone?) looks up to me. Who have I been a good friend to, who actually enjoys my crazy antics and doesn't just laugh because they feel they have to. Who thinks I'm smart.
In other words, who likes me for ME as a PERSON... not who likes me because I can be one in a crowd.