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Post by nancy on Nov 3, 2004 17:11:06 GMT -5
I got a math quiz back today. I had a 28. On any other day, I'd have felt like a failure. But not today. Because today I understood and participated and was basically good. So now I am completely blocked with line and circumference formulas, but I can get every possible formula for a parabola, which is is supposed to be harder, quite easily. And I know what to do with circumference, but it just doesn't come out right, so I get nice little 28's. Greenday in a month. And it looks like I'm going after all. I hope so.
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Post by nancy on Nov 3, 2004 22:17:21 GMT -5
Didn't have much time to write earlier. But I do now. And I will.
Bush won again. He's president of the biggest, most important EMPIRE of modern times. And I'm scared. I'm scared for muslims, and I'm scared for my people, and I'm just... scared for the world in general. I read about some guy in Brazil who in a poll, said he couldn't believe the election was so close, asked whether americans were getting the same news as the rest of the world. I agree with him. How can so many people vote for a guy who kills in an unnecessary war? Who lets his people torture muslims, who does not follow ANY international agreements? Who has weakened the economy so much?
The Bible Belt? C'mon, can't people there think? How religious can he be? Ok, so he's against same-sex marriages, but, very big BUT, the government and the church are supposed to be separated, so who cares? And he does a lot more things against any faith than for it.
So yeah. I'm scared. I wonder what will the state of the world be in 4 years? Biological, nuclear war? Terrorism everywhere? Will we have blown ourselves up already? I don't know. Only time will tell.
The only good thing about this is that the American Empire is going to crumble. Not that I want people to die, but... american imperialism sucks. Eventually, cultures, nations around the world will prevail, they will see that american is... well not wrong, but it is american, not mexican or german or french. Germans had to drink american beer in Oktoberfest, how SUCKY is that?
I do like baseball though.
On to other topics... 2 days ago, I would've complained about the weather being hot when we were almost in November. But then yesterday it was cold, so that was cool... we went from 30 degrees on Sunday, to 10 degrees yesterday, to 5 degrees today at school, which is always a bit colder... here at home it was probably 5 degrees higher... but still, that's a big change.
I'm gonna ace the math test this Friday. I HAVE to. I can't afford to fail. I don't do such things. I'm smart. At least that's what they say.
Finals begin on the 29th. End first semester of IB. And then, I won't have school again until January 17th.
I love holidays. And I want them.
Hawthorne Heights is great.
Next time Mexico elects a president, I will vote. That's also scary.
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Post by nancy on Nov 7, 2004 22:29:16 GMT -5
I'm going to greenday, I'm going to greenday, I'm going to greenday!! Only 26 days left!! and 33 days left for my birthday!! I got homework... edit later
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Post by nancy on Nov 8, 2004 21:29:48 GMT -5
I'm a mess! Yay! 3 cheers for sweet revenge TM!! My friend said I'm a genius. Which I'm not. There was obviously a mistake on that test we took last year, because I cannot possibly be smarter then everyone else in my class. Smart kids are --- smart. They don't forget to hand in homeworks they did, they don't forget to do homeworks, they don't get 28's in math quizzes, they are not told to stop talking and raise their hands every 3 seconds. So I'm not a genius. I'm just a crazy hyperactive almost-17 year old little big kid. So I am a mess, because I can't concentrate on homework and stuff. I don't think there has ever been an IB student such as myself. Speaking of IB students, they read to us today that 2 ex-IBers died last week. 18 year olds from Kent. They went to school together. They did not die together, they were both travelling. In different parts. So yeah. I don't wanna die, you know. I'm a friggin KID. I'm a KID. A CHILD. I finished reading Metamorphosis yesterday. Actually, I read all of it yesterday. Now I can read The Trial in peace. Ok, so now, I only have to do my art and systems homework. Art homework is sucky, I have to draw every bone and muscle in the body. Can anyone say all-nighter?but in 25 days, I'll be out of school, missing only one final, and SEEING GREENDAY LIVE!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy and excited and happy and hyper. You see, the bad thing when you eat as much candy as I did today, is then you get dizzy and your head hurts. silly me, I knew that. plus of course, the non-concentration factor. As if my attention span wasn't short enough already. ah well... off to try and do something. anything.
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Post by nancy on Nov 9, 2004 19:40:14 GMT -5
Current Music: Chance of a Lifetime - Mest The Future Freaks me Out - Motion City Soundtrack Jeremy - Pearl Jam Blue Burns Orange - Hawthorne Heights Well, I'm here wasting my time. Yay!! ;D I don't really have much homework for tomorrow, only my history principal evaluation. It's worth 40% of this report's grade, so it better come out right. Of course I left it for the last minute. It doesn't really seem that hard to make, but it's kinda long. So yeah. The end of the world's in front of me Hard to believe, all I've seen It's one chance in a lifetime But it won't be the last time...It's kinda weird that I'm listening to Mest. Hadn't done it in some time, and I haven't done it regularly since... immemorable times. I should really get started on this so I can download some stuff without worrying about computer sticking and losing everything... *sigh* I wish that didn't happen. *EDIT* It will be tomorrow in 17 minutes!! Yay!! I have been working like a crazy person for the past 3 hours, and I am almost done. I also decided this would be easier if I knew arabian. I should learn it. *RE-EDIT* I'm finished!! Now I'm printing, and it's 5 pages long, 7 if you count references and cover page, and it's really nice. Better get 100.
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Post by nancy on Nov 16, 2004 19:56:39 GMT -5
I feel... lost. lonely. scared.
Like I'm trapped in a cage, with no way out, with the glass I can see through to see other people. but no one can see me on the other side. Or maybe they do and just don't care. I don't know. I feel everyone has deserted me, which I also know somewhere in my mind is NOT true. I know it.
But that doesn't make it any better, I can't turn off the way I feel.
And there's no one I'd like to talk about it with. I mean, how do you tell your friends you feel they've deserted you, but you know they haven't,, you just feel it? Wouldn't they get offended? They've all got their stuff to go through, they don't need my silly unfounded feelings on top of that. They say they can put their problems away for a friend.
A friend.
Why are my friends even my friends? I don't deserve my friends, honestly; and even if I did, why? I mean, me? Why be friends with ME? I'm all... different. I'm different even from other kids who are different. I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong with the rich kids; they talk only of superficial and stupid things; I shouldn't belong with my friends, whenever they talk of scolarships and stuff that I don't have because I don't need I feel stupid and guilty; I don't belong with kids who go to gigs every weekend like my friends do, and I don't belong with kids who go to huge parties every day of the week.
The only person I belong with is myself.
Sometimes.
And I have big guilt issues. I feel guilty for so many stupid and small or big things that are NOT MY FAULT and everyone tells me it's not my fault, but I never realize they're not lying until a long time later. Which is also stupid. A lot of things I do are stupid.
And I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that something will go wrong and it will off-the-IB for me, I'm afraid my friends will come and say 'we hate you, shut up,' I'm afraid my grades are gonna suck, I'm afraid because I have a presentation tomorrow, I'm afraid I'm going to fail english and math and systems and spanish and art.
I am afraid I am being used.
I don't wanna feel like this anymore; and it's only been like... 3 days. But it's going to last a lot longer, I can tell. I can know.
I should really talk to someone.
But who?
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Post by nancy on Jun 8, 2006 21:41:10 GMT -5
Oh wow, this used to be mine... I sort of lost the password and... stuff.
Well, that one time I posted, over a year and a half ago, didn't turn out to be so bad. I ended up making a really great friend over the holidays, and many more at the start of the semester. And life was really, really good. And I did find people to talk to. I was 16. My 17th year was mostly good as well. And some of my fondest memories (school trip to Europe, say... unforgettable) are from this year. 17. Now I'm 18. I like to write stories. I like to write essays, which is sooo uncommon in people my age... I like to paint, but the truth is I suck.... I ended up kind of liking arts class in the end. I made my uni schedule today. Someone told me "uni schedule" sounded "unicycle." Graduation is tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow it will REALLY sink in that this it it. High school's over. What was arguably the best 2 years of my life, my IB years, with my IB friends and stuff are now really, really over. I've cried about it, but I've probably not cried enough. I dunno. I just know it hasn't really sunk in yet. Only sort of sunk in. At times. I keep thinking how most of my really good friends won't go to school with me anymore... after prom, at a friend's house, she told me she was worried about leaving me now. How I still need help and we won't see each other every day... at least most of us are staying in town. ____________________________________________________________________________
I can't believe this whole thing is happening to me though. And my friend is seeing a therapist. I know she thinks, and the other two who more or less know how I feel also think, that I should be seeing one as well. They really believe I need help. Maybe they're right. But I just can't get any help. Not that kind of help. I guess I'm gonna have to help myself. But why is what I think so different from what I feel? I dunno. I do nothing but confuse myself. And I can't convince them otherwise. I. can't. I do wish I could though. Goodness, one of them even asked me if I was suicidal two days ago. And for Chrissake, I was just kidding around! I never even said the word "death." Maybe they need help and try to pin it on me. ____________________________________________________________________________
7 courses. 50 credits.
Computer Science I. 8 credits. MWF. 9:00 to 10:00 Japanese I. 8 credits. MTWTF. 10:00 to 11:00 Remedial Physics. 8 credits. MWF. 12:00 to 13:00 Mathematics for Engineering I. 8 creditsMWF 13:00 to 14:00 Economics. 8 credits MWF 15:00 to 16:00 Chemistry (the Honors group was closed...) 8 credits TT 8:30 to 10:00 Freshman Seminar: Introduction to Bioengineering. 2-credit seminar. Thursdays. 11:30 to 1:30.
When I'm there already, I hope to join some sort of creative writing workshop. ____________________________________________________________________________
Because (oh yeah) I'm writing a book. It's nothing but a bunch of short stories yet... they're not truly connected, but I do wish to connect them all... I want it to be possible to read the book either as a novel or as short stories. And because of the pact, it must be done by April 21st, 2007. So I don't have so much time. Maybe I'll set a time to write. Like, Tuesdays, right after school. Since I leave at 11 and all. University is a weird thing, I think. ____________________________________________________________________________
Some older kid, I think she's a junior next fall, who's a friend of my friends' sister, told me that I have THE worst teachers for Computer Science, for Physics and for Maths. I guess I'm going to have to find that out over time. ____________________________________________________________________________
I need a summer job. We're wearing BLUE gowns and caps tomorrow. And that is awesome. I wish I got to sit at this guy's place though, 'cause he sits with my two best friends from school, one on each side. I get to be with Mr. Never-Said-a-Word, who's going into law school and who, in TWO YEARS, asked ONE question in class. That was the only time he spoke without being asked to inside of class... it was the last day of school too. And on the other side, one of the first guys I met at school... Maybe it'll be interesting. ____________________________________________________________________________
skip this is you don't want to read about my weird stuff.
I know [Skinny] went through something like this when we were in our 5th semester. Heck, I remember the first time I ever really confided in her, she was coming out of something. She was maybe, where I was a month agp, before falling over again. I remember I cried on her shoulder for a while... then we sat on a bench on the third floor of the south building, and I put my head on her lap or something and cried, and cried, and cried. For hours and hours. I remember the date for it was my friend [emohair]'s birthday. November 25th, 2005. It's the first major crying episode I remember; the next one after is on December the 12th, a national holiday. I was preparing for my IB spanish A1 oral at [peach]'s house and then I called my mum and we had an argument, and I couldn't stop crying, again. [peach] went through depression as well. And when I befriended her she was getting over it. Just getting over it. So... she should know. She was the first person to ever mutter the word "depression" to me, in reference to me. Hell, I remember it well. Very, *very* well. That short phrase she said right after our first report ES exam, which she noticed I answered crying, still ring around my ears. They still dance around my head. And this was in early February. The next time she said it... she was telling me off, over the phone, because I had apparently been "too aggressive" lately. I hadn't noticed. I'd called her, crying because I needed school-help urgently, and when we hung up, I was crying again. She said I needed to do something... She urged me to talk to a teacher, one of my favorite ones. It was a disaster. I was ashamed to look the man in the face for days. [New] took me to see the school counselor. It was also a disaster, and besides, I've graduated now. Can't go there anymore, not for that. I was feeling sorry for myself on Tuesday and talking to [Skinny]- that's when SHE said it for the first time. She said she'd been thinking and she thought I was depressed. She said she'd thought so for a while now, but hadn't wanted to tell me. [Skinny] isn't aware [New] knows, and I think viceversa as well. Anyway, I can't seem to convince [Skinny] that I'm alright... it's just what happened with the other two earlier, when I found out what they thought. It doesn't matter if I'm acting, or if I'm actually having a good time... they don't think I'm alright. [Skinny] said she'd believe me when I saw a therapist. [Peach] says I can talk to her anytime. So does [New.] And heck, they're my best friends. But I feel like I can't really say much more to any of them. What can I say? I don't want to bother them anymore. I feel like some weird sort of... emotional parasite, or something. They all say at least I'm talking. I just say I hate this. I hate all of this. And I'm not talking nowhere near enough. I can't.
And anyway, isn't depression supposed to hinder your ability to have fun? I have fun! With my friends, sometimes, I do. But them three aren't taking that argument.
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Post by nancy on Jun 10, 2006 11:43:16 GMT -5
There were fireworks at graduation. What else needs to be said?
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Post by nancy on Jun 12, 2006 15:37:10 GMT -5
So tired. I couldn't sleep yesterday: I went to bed at 1150 pm and I was up 'til around dawn... so around 6 or so, I guess, and then I had to wake up before zehn. So less than 4 hours sleep in all. I'm so tired.
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Post by nancy on Jun 21, 2006 16:26:26 GMT -5
The game today sucked. And I need to clean my room (aka. check all my high school stuff and throw things away.) That is very not cool. On Monday I sent the latest story to [Peach] but she printed it out to read it and hasn't been on since. I also sent it to [smiles] on Sunday or something: [Skinny] told her about it. So I guess it must be sorta good because it's getting word-of-mouth publicity. Or something. Anyway, [smiles] is no literary critic, so, in her case, I'm content with her saying she liked it. A lot. That's what she said. I guess I'm happy that my friends are liking it. Rob said it was very, very good. He also asked me whether I'd read The Tunnel for IB, because it has a certain "air" about it, he said, that's similar. Yeah, I read it. It was my favorite book out of the ones we read, so I guess maybe I got a bit of influence... I dunno. Because no one else thought it was like it. Anyway, Rob didn't catch the subtlest undertone, though when I told him about it he said yeah, then he did see how. He said it was very subtle, which was great, because it's what I wanted, and both [Skinny] and [Curly] had caught it. I'd understand [Skinny] getting it, but I was kinda surprised [Curly] did. But it appears I got the effect I wanted, it's subtle, and some people get it and a lot others don't. On the other hand, everyone could tell the character has OCD, which is cool because it was sort of my intention. Not sure I wanted everyone to know, but the way the story is now it's pretty obvious from the context and the clues. Yeah, I do need to work on it a bit, but the truth is, I think it was good first try at a story longer than half a page. And I liked it better right after writing it, but I think it's good anyway, and it might be better after some work. I still have around 10 months to work on it and the other ones. I think it's 10 months and 2 days. ____________________________________________________________________________ Which brings me to the question I've been asking myself over and over since last week. Which direction is the book going in? I mean, yeah, it's a book of short stories. But I'm not writing RANDOM stories. I want them all to be somehow... connected. And I have several themes. The first idea I had for the book was to write about change. Some of the stories I'd already written didn't fit, but a bunch did... I figured I could use kids as characters, which is what I most often do anyway, to simbolize the naïveness of thinking things will change, because they only ever do on the surface. Deep down, things mostly remain the same. But in other stories, I'd do the exact opposite. Represent the naïveness of thinking things won't change, 'cause hell, they always do. Especially when you like how things are going. So the reader would be all confused in the end. But I've drifted from it. Now, and especially with the last couple stories, I'm thinking it's more about reality. And the stories I've written can all be a part of one of two groups. Group 1 consists of stories with a twist. You think there's this something that must absolutely be true, but it turns out to be a completely different thing OR I turn everyday things into something out of the ordinary. The stories in this group are usually extremely short. Group 2 has less stories in it than Group 1. In this group, there's stories that show reality from different points of view, preferably with something that makes them special:: the reporter with OCD, the actor who doesn't trust anybody, the paranoid ex-footballer.... That kind of thing. It requires a lot more work than Group 1, both each individual story and collectively. So, I'm thinking I might name the book "Realidades." I'm not sure I can do that, but I found a Borges book called "Ficciones" and I was thinking about my book and my stories and whatnot and figured it might be a good name. 10 months to think about it still, though. _____________________________________________________ I got my invitation for the High achievement program today. In the regular mail. I thought I was out because a couple friends got it on their e-mails last week. Anyway, I'm supposed to take an arts workshop this semester. I'm going to pick creative writing, so that I can kill two birds with one shot.
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Post by nancy on Jun 30, 2006 21:50:10 GMT -5
Ok, so [Peach] LOVED it. She said I should turn it into something longer. And that *can* be done, I'd thought about it too. Only I dunno what to do with it. I mean, I've written another couple short things that can be read together with it, but I dunno. I just haven't figured it out yet. It could be a long short story. Or whatever they're called. I've also written another couple very, very short pieces. One of them is about a girl who's crying. The second is about a guy who wakes up in a darkroom and can't get out. I think I'm getting better at this. ____________________________________________________________________________
Turns out creative writing is a third semester course. By then my book will have to be finished. Anyway, I got a new, tentative schedule, and it's looing pretty good. It all really depends on which level german do I have to take. Apparently it's gonna be german V though... well actually, it's apparently going to be german IV but I'll skip that level and go on to V. I'll self study whatever's learned in german IV if that happens. If I make it only to german III though, that's a problem. A big one, because I'd have to move everything around and it wouldn't at all be pretty. But this way it's pretty good.
Mondays - Wednesdays - Fridays
Computer Science 9 to 10 Japanese I 10 to 11 German V 11 to 12 Remedial Physics 12 to 1 Free/ Lunch hour Chemistry 2 to 3 Economics 3 to 4
Tuesdays - Thursdays Mathematics I (differential calculus) 830 to 10 Japanese I 10 to 11 Bioengineering seminar 1130 to 130 (thursdays only) Free/Lunch hour 'til 230 Visual arts (again, ha...) 230 to 4 Robotics 4 to 530
So it's looking pretty good. Certainly better than this girl I know... she goes out at 9 pm on MWF, and she has morning classes too... her schedule is all messed up! Unlike mine ____________________________________________________________________________
I bought a notebook to write my stories and such on. It's great that I'm finally getting a place to do it that's.... well, fixed. Anyway, offness. I need to study german.
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Post by nancy on Jul 7, 2006 0:25:51 GMT -5
Got scored today. Spanish A1 HL 6 English B HL 7 History HL 5 env. sys. SL 5 Maths SL 5 Arts SL 2 Bonus points : 1 I'm kinda disappointed about... well, everything that's not a language. I expected at least a 6 in those 3 subjects I got a 5 in, and I expected a 3 - 4 in arts... still, even with that pathetic two, I got my IB diploma. It's just an ego thing though, 'cause I've been accepted into uni for ages. Oh, and I did get some college credit, I needed 5's.... the 6 in spanish helps me get double credit, but with those scores I get credit in everything I could've gotten credit in. So I'm proud. The wanting of 6's was also just an ego thing. ____________________________________________________________________________ I cleaned the mess in my room today. Took me ages, and ages, and ages, but that's mostly 'cause I procrastinated for a while. Found things that made me cry and smile.
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Post by nancy on Aug 14, 2006 17:44:15 GMT -5
University's insane. Taking 10 courses is fun. There are ducklings in the hidden corridor behind building 7. And I wrote my first ever essay in german. That's all I really gotta say.
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Post by nancy on Aug 28, 2006 0:02:33 GMT -5
Typically me to disappear... I'm seeing the school psychologist starting this tuesday. Im f- ing scared.
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Post by KoNeko on Aug 28, 2006 18:10:42 GMT -5
Don't be scared. The psychologist is there to help!
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