|
Post by D on Jul 7, 2004 8:34:38 GMT -5
I've thought long and hard about where to begin. My life has been in a massive state of flux for the past several months as I have entered a new and challenging stage in my life. I was in the military for ten years, and I decided not to reenlist when my time came up in March. There were many reasons for this, but two really stand out. 1) I didn't want to be away from my new son. My dad had been a military man, and I grew up resenting the fact that he spent so much time away when I was younger, so I didn't want my child to have to experience that. 2) I became distraught over our current administration. I didn't want to work for Bush anymore. Some of my military friends were very understanding. A couple are even following my lead in the near future. Others want to call me unpatriotic.
What is patriotism? That's a hard word to define. Some say it means following and believing in your government no matter what. I don't buy that. I think it means loving your home country enough to be willing to stand up and say when you believe it's made mistakes. By my own definition, I am still a patriot. I do believe that. You don't have to always agree with something to love it, do you? I think our nation was once a special place, and still can be. I've been all over the world and have grown to love other countries and cultures (I actually consider Japan to be my second home), but few would allow people to openly protest their government the way ours does. Few allow their people to vote out a poor leader. Of course, that sometimes doesn't happen the way it's meant to. Poor officials have been reelected. Protestors have been arrested. Herein lies the problem - consistency. Our Constitution is a great document. Sure, it could use some updating, but the foundation is strong. Democracy can be a good thing.
But then there are people like Bush...
In a nation of the people, for the people, and by the people, where does he fit in? Yeah, we elected him (supposedly), but did we ask him to speak for all of us the way he has. The President represents our nation. What do you do though when a President represents you the way Bush does? Clinton may have been a sexual deviant, but he didn't anger the world like Bush does. How is a country supposed to grow and thrive without support from its allies? I believe war is sometimes a necessary evil (i.e. WWII), and I think powerful nations should stand up for those without the power to stand up for themselves, but who are we standing up for in Iraq right now? At least the first war in Iraq had to do with protecting a smaller nation (although political interests were included as well). Saddam scares me, and I'm happy he's not in power, but did it have to happen this way? Couldn't a solution be found that wouldn't have turned so many against us? Shouldn't people in power realize this is not a good idea? To a nobody like me, it's as plain as day. Couldn't our military forces be utilized to defeat a more imminent threat, such as Al-Quaeda? What happened to that fight? Was it not big enough for Bush? Yes, I believe Iraq has been involved in terror, but it wasn't the root of that particular problem. Was the search for Bin Laden not interesting enough for the media?
I kind of got lost in that tangent. Back to my choice. I've been agonizing over it lately. I think I've made my reasons clear, and I do believe in them, but I can't help but think of my comrades who are still going over to Iraq, or are over there now. I've been there twice, once in 1998 and again in 1999. We weren't officially at war then, but there was still conflict. The difference I think was that Clinton kept the media at arm's length and didn't go so far as to declare war. he simply enforced the U.N.'s policies like a police force would. To make a long story short, I've experienced at least a portion of what people are going through over there - twice. It isn't wrong that I elected not to return for a third time, is it? I gave 10 years. I now have tendinitis in both of my knees and suffer from frequent, unexplained back spasms. Isn't that enough? My son is more important to me than anything else in life. I love him and my wife dearly. My integrity is also very important to me.
So where is this guilt coming from? Why am I confused? As I describe my feelings, it seems I have no reason to be, but I am. Did I become institutionalized while I was in the military? Maybe. It does feel weird going to my new civilian job every day. I still say I'm going to "iron my uniform...I mean work clothes."
Hopefully, I can sort this all out soon. Thanks for listening.
|
|
|
Post by En Sylvan on Jul 7, 2004 13:13:34 GMT -5
Psst, D, do you want people to respond in your journal, or no?
A small thought on service: a friend and I were talking about what motivates different kinds of people last night (i.e., Slytherins and Hufflepuffs) and it got me thinking about something: most people aren't completely one way about what they value (unless they're really charismatic idealists who choose to be that way, which I think is unhealthy), so a lot of adulthood is making choices about which value to apply to which situation, yes? Which value will lead us to the best choice for this point?
It sounds to me like you made your choice, to stay with your son and not to serve in a war you don't think can benefit the country you care for, out of love. Like all big choices, it's bound to leave you with doubts, and the wisdom or virtue of the choice - or lack thereof - will look different to you at different points along your life-road. But... as a person who thinks there's not enough love on active duty in this world, I think you made a good call.
|
|
|
Post by D on Jul 7, 2004 13:19:03 GMT -5
Thank you. I have been swaying back-and-forth quite a bit lately. Hopefully that will clear up with time. It's funny though that when I'm with my son, I have no doubts. It's only when I'm aay from him, being assaulted by the news or something.
Oh, and yes, people are very welcome to respond to my journal.
|
|
|
Post by D on Jul 8, 2004 13:04:37 GMT -5
07/08/2004
Today is a better day. I did some thinking last night, trying to get things into a more focused perspective. First, I was watching the news and was reminded of how disgusted I am with the whole situation.
Then I was playing with my son.
I remembered that if I hadn't informed the military of my intentions not to reenlist, I would have been transferred back to an eventually-Persian Gulf-bound command early last Decemebr. I would most likely have been in the Middle East by March. More than 90 days have passed since the end of March, and I thought about how much my son has grown since then. He spoke maybe 15-20 words then. Now, he speaks more than a hundred - including some phrases and sentences. He's started to count. He learns at an immense rate. What would I have missed during these last 90 days? Everything! I feel so much pain for those mothers and fathers missing these moments with their children. Who can imagine a father in Iraq having to hear about the birth of his child through crude e-mail or a $20 five-minute phone call with a three-second delay?
Today, at least today, I am very happy and content to be home with my family.
|
|
Tasia
Resident
Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
|
Post by Tasia on Jul 8, 2004 15:05:46 GMT -5
Contentment is a strange thing, don't you think? Human beings have never really mastered the feeling. We always seem to need something more, greedy little bratts we are. It is a rarety, and that makes it all the more wonderful. I'm really happy for you, and I hope your mind can settle down as your heart already has. Feel no shame, and face the day with a smile. ~Love Tasia
|
|
moira
Resident
Posts: 480
|
Post by moira on Jul 8, 2004 21:03:24 GMT -5
Hey D,
Hope you don't mind me posting here. I myself feel you've made the right choice. Although I understand you feeling guilty about it, because of the fact that you are wanting to enjoy something that many other people are still sacrificing so they can fight for our country and do their duty. I imagine that's probably why you're feeling torn up. You feel bad that you're experiencing this and the others aren't.
But at the same time...well, I don't have kids of my own, but I've got a niece. She turned one on Monday. I've been able to see her (at the very least) once a week since the day she was born. And it's been so meaningful to me to be there watching her learn and grow, and watching her recognize me and trust me and smile when she sees me, because she knows who I am.
Your son knows who you are. You're building memories that my own Father never built with me, because he was in the army himself. So from the other view point, I think you're doing the right thing. You yourself say that when you're with him, there is no question in your mind.
Just try to hang on to that feeling when you're not with him (easier said than done, I know). Our modern day is showing by example that family isn't very important, that there should be other priorities that need to weigh higher. But when you look back on your life, and the memories you have and the person that you've become, family is always what you end up reflecting on.
don't know if that made sense or not, but I've rambled on long enough (sorry). I'll let this get back to its original intent, which is being a journal:)
|
|
|
Post by D on Jul 9, 2004 11:53:53 GMT -5
Tasia and Moira, you are both so right. Thanks for your kind notes 07/08/2004 Today, things are still feeling pretty good. I've stopped watching the news, which seems to be a good idea for me - at least for the time being. Funny thing...this morning I was comparing my job in the military with my current civilian job, and I'm realizing how similar they really are. In the military, I wore a uniform. Now, I wear clothes according to my company's standards. In the military, we had procedures for everything. Here, we have procedures for everything. One big difference though is punctuality. So far, I seem to be one of the only people who ever shows up early for work. In the military, if you aren't a little early, you're late. At this comany at least, they preach punctuality, but several people are late on a regular basis, including the leadership, and no one really seems to mind. That baffles me. I guess it's that military discipline, huh? LOL
|
|
|
Post by D on Jul 12, 2004 9:55:08 GMT -5
7/12/2004
Well, I tried...tried to keep my hair growing just because I could. After 10 years of getting a haircut every 2-3 weeks, I had let my hair go untouched for nearly 5 months. I couldn't do it any longer. I got my hair cut this weekend. I didn't get it as short as I used to in the miliary, but I did go pretty short. I'm just more comfortable this way. I've become accustomed to the idea of nor having to do anything with it in the morning. It's funny because I wore my hair long in high school. Six months before graduation, I had hair to the middle of my back. I cut it then, knowing I was probably going to join the military in the near future. Now, I can't stand the feeling of any hair on my neck. It's interesting how people change.
I'm still doing okay. Every once in a while, I get a little frustrated, not because I'm feeling guilty or anything though. It has more to do with the knowledge I still have about certain things. I hear people depating issues, and I can't get involved at all because I know things I can't say. I can't wait until this is all over, or at leat until I've distanced myself enough to be somewhat free.
|
|
|
Post by KoNeko on Jul 15, 2004 6:41:07 GMT -5
*peeks in* Hey, D. I've been away from this site for a while and only came back just then to discover that you've started a journal too! I can't say I've ever been in the military or anything, but I can see the parallels between corporate/work life and being there. I hope your adjustment to civvie life goes well. I suppose these things take a while... *trails off* Thanks for sharing with us.
|
|
|
Post by D on Jul 15, 2004 8:05:47 GMT -5
Hey, KoNeko! Thanks for peeking in 7/15/2004 The summer heat is on - just what I needed. The first thing someone wants to do is ask me how this weather compares to the Persian Gulf. I remained composed and answered the question though. "In the Persian Gulf, the air is excedingly dry, even near the water. There, a heat index isn't required to reach 120 degrees. The sun does that all by itself. Then the sand heas up, adding to the discomfort by bringing the heat up from the ground. One wouldn't think the sun could seem brighter due to location, but it does. Going outside without sunglasses is unthinkable. you know the stories about cold desert nights? I don't know where they came from. They didn't come from anywhere I was." That's about how I answered. Pretty good considering what I was saying in my own head.
|
|
|
Post by En Sylvan on Jul 19, 2004 16:22:33 GMT -5
Hey, that's not bad for impromptu Maybe you should try your hand at some flash essays, if you haven't already?
Seriously... cheers to you for keeping your cool. (You know that scene in LS when Graham asks Algren about scalping? That was the first thing this made me think of )
|
|
|
Post by D on Jul 20, 2004 8:19:44 GMT -5
Yes, part of me definitely wanted to give an Algrenian demonstration to the person who asked me that question.
"Did you know that sand actually floats in the Persian Gulf?"
That's what I ask when someone asks me about the weather there now (if I'm caught in a good enough mood). Or I can say:
"Ten bottles of Gatorade and water a day without going to the restroom."
Humor can help eleviate the strain, you know?
I've actually been doing pretty good. It seems the more settled I get into my civilian job and life, the less I think about being in the military. I'm thinking of doing something artistic in dedication to the troops who have been and are over there. One of my favorite bands did something like that. They did an album dedicated to American military history. It's very patriotic in the way I like to view Patriotism. They too disagree with Mr. Bush but have hope that America can once again become the country where the "Star-Spangled Banner" actually means something - the country that fought against impossible odds for its own existence.
This is the same land...different world.
The songs on the album I'm speaking of cover mostly the Revolutionary War, 9/11, and a thirty-minute monsterpiece (yes, I said monster on purpose) about Gettysburg.
The band is called Iced Earth. They're a Progressive Metal band. The album is called "The Glorious Burden", a reference to the way it feels to be an American today. I'm pretty eclectic musically. As a musician, I study everything, and I admire any music where talented musicians are producing quality material - with heart. I listen to only a few groups from any one genre, and Iced Earth is one of my metal bands (LOL). BE WARNED - if you choose to listen to this, some songs are really heavy, and their new vocalist is pretty harsh at times. Where this band's previous vocalist, Matt Barlow, was more melodic, Tim Owens is a screamer, and when he actually sings, he's only so-so. It's a shame their old singer couldn't stick it out for one more album. He left to become a lawyer. What's funny though is that the rest of the band does quite a good job creating choir-like backing vocals to this guy.
There are two songs that truly stand out (other than "Gettysburg", which includes the Prague Philharmonic). One is a 9/11 ballad called "When the Eagle Cries". It's a tear-jerker. The video is really good. You can find it on launch.yahoo.com. The video shows people reacting to the news that day. The other is called "Valley Forge". This one asks the question, "What if a soldier at the battle of Valley Forge, freezing and ready to die to free his new nation, were to see what's become of it now?" Very insightful.
Anyway, I'm done blabbing for now.
|
|
|
Post by D on Jul 21, 2004 8:11:57 GMT -5
7/21/2004
Last night I decided it was time to explain all of what I've been going through with my wife. I would normally never keep anything from her, but this was a situation where I deemed it necessary. She has a powerful influence over me. Most of the time, that is a good thing, but not this time. I wanted to get my feelings settled without her opinions involved because I didn't want to be unduly influenced by someone so close to me. Does that make sense?
I haven't explained all of this to her yet, but I told her we need to have a talk sometime soon when life isn't too hectic. I gave her a brief introduction and explained why I hadn't said anything before. She seemed to understand. I really hope so.
|
|
|
Post by Calavera Diablos on Jul 21, 2004 13:53:44 GMT -5
Hi D. I would have welcomed you earlier if I hadn't been severely intimidated. I'll have to check out Iced Earth, before Tim Owens... Do you like The Toadies or Iggy Pop? The Toadies vocal, Todd Lewis, seems to be able to sing decently and wail without grating on one's nerves. I don't think you should feel guilty over keeping your feelings from your wife, your reasoning made sense. I'm sure she would understand after the effort you made to explain. A steady flow of verbal communication is always good.
|
|
|
Post by D on Jul 21, 2004 14:33:04 GMT -5
Why were you intimidated?
I used to listen to Iggy Pop when I was younger, but something about him started getting to me - not sure why.
Pre-Owens Iced Earth is mostly fantasy-based, which is one of he big reasons I started listening to them in the first place.
|
|