Tasia
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Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
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Post by Tasia on Jan 13, 2005 20:19:39 GMT -5
"The Spoken Wheel" Flogging Molly
Your passin' broke the silence On that dark October day The sun was headin' for the west As it did I heard you say I set my sail for a gentle breeze Now I leave this world as it was meant to be And you, did you listen to anything I said? Did you ever listen to me?
Though now it seems you'll never know But every lad to a man must grow Till winter comes to celebrate Then proudly chills the bone When at last they bury me Into this ground you'll someday see And you, did you listen to anything I said? Did you ever listen to me?
Though the face we wear Sometimes seldom speaks From the babe that cries To this grown man's feet May the hand still write And its' heart shape keep Till our fathers, sons and daughters agree
So I will pave this road till glory Sets our broken spirit free From every cross-soaked nail pours endless rain With tears no eye should see But they could fill our highest ocean And the rivers in between With every blade that flowers must grow then drown With love our cruelest sea
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Tasia
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Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
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Post by Tasia on Apr 26, 2005 19:25:42 GMT -5
Wow, it's been a while.
So here's what's happened since I last wrote...if you'd care to read it. If not, thanks for stopping by anyway. ;D
It all starts with a guy. A very sweet, kind, funny and considerate guy whom I happen to care for very much. I'll call him [Squirrel]. I realised about halfway through school that I care for him in a different way than I care for most of my friends. I really, really like him. Love him even. So naturally, I want to spend alot of my time with him.
Unfortunately, my very best friend at the time, [Crispus], got jelous of the time I spent with Squirrel and not her. I didn't know it at the time, but she was starting to deal with depression. I made it worse. She was in an increasingly bad place, and said nothing of it to me. Oblivious and love-sick Tasia didn't notice.
About this time, I started to become friends with another girl, [GreenB]. She was also dealing with deep depression, and I cared. She was extreemly glad that I afforded her so much attention, and started hanging out with me quite a bit. GreenB has had alot of terrible things happen to her, which led her to cut herself for a while. While GreenB was rapidly becoming a close friend, Crispus was cutting herself too. GreenB and I found out, though, and we (especially GreenB, who had dealt with it herself) were able to get her to stop.
GreenB and Crispus got to be very close friends, and I didn't have to feel bad about spending time with my dear Squirrel anymore, for when I was away, they had each other. Everything was ok for a short time. Enter [Blue].
Blue is a girl who we have come to assume is bipolar. She had little to no friends at the time, and thought GreenB, Crispus and I (henceforth, the Triangle) were cool. So, for some reason beyond me, she wanted to hang out with us. It didn't seem like such a big deal, but there is something about Blue that is unsettling and insanely annoying. And I mean INSANELY ANNOYING literally.
She has no outstanding faults. I really didn't mind her that much. But GreenB and Crispus couldn't bear her. And unfortunately for them, she was prone to hang out with them rather than me, because I was with Squirrel half of the time. She started to annoy them. No bid. They just sort of ignored it. She started to really bother them. The Triangle are all into drama and theatre, and all deeply involved in our school's production of "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown". (I'm the Assis. Director, GreenB's the Stage Manager, and Crispus is the Ass. Stage Manager. At the time, Blue was yet another Ass. Stage Manager) The two friends simply couldn't stand to be around Blue so much.
Then it got weird. And bad. GreenB and Crispus started freaking out when she was around. They said they heard her voice in their heads constantly. They got panic attacks when they even saw her. GreenB "blacked out" a few times in her presence. They were going mad.
I said what I could, but I was hardly bothered by her. Sure, she was a bit of a pest, but Blue wasn't a bad kid.
You're wondering, I assume, why GreenB and Crispus hadn't politely asked Blue to leave them alone. Well, as I mentuoned before, Blue is bipolar. She has contemplated suicide. She has broken down and cried in class before. I once caught her compiling a list of things she hated about herself. She went right out and asked GreenB if there was a painless way to kill yourself.
Poor Blue had never had friends, so finally finding people that accepted her was awesome. She wanted to be near them always.
So you can see why GreenB and Crispus were caught between a rock and a hard place.
On the one hand, they could go on living in constant fear of seeing her in the halls and hearing her voice in their heads late at night. On the other hand, they could tell her they didn't want to be near her and possibly be responsible for her suicide.
Finally, Crispus snapped. She wrote Blue a rather nasty but true note saying that she couldn't take being near her anymore and that Blue "makes [me] want to kill myself". Blue talked to our Drama teacher and Director. She was switched from Assistant Stage Manager to House Manager, so GreenB and Crispus wouldn't have to see her. She didn't seem horribly crushed.
Crispus realized she shouldn't have been so harsh, but at least it was out there, and they could breathe again. Then, wise GreenB made a very wise statement. "Never leave a paper trail"
Blue took the note to the school guidance councilor. (GC) The GC talked to Crispus. Crispus' mom found out. Her family was quite shocked. Her mom now has her seeing a shrink, dislikes GreenB, and keeps her in the house much more than she used to. Crispus lost her family's trust.
Despite all of this, it looked as though the drama might finally be over. If only it were so.
Life went on as per usual; I tried to split my time between the Triangle and the Squirrel that I love, GreenB wrote poems about the guy she was crushing on and started revealing to us the horrors of her past (molest, watching the murder of her uncle, getting high and drunk with friends she secretly hates, feeling responsible for the suicide of one of her friends because she didn't have time to talk to him on the phone before he pulled the trigger, and the dirty whore who reminds her of it every day because she has no life). And Crispus got depressed again.
Then, out of seemingly nowhere (you must remember that I am hideously naieve) Crispus professed her love for GreenB, GreenB returned the favor, and the next day my two best friends are a lesbian couple.
Please don't think that I am against gay/bi/trans people in anyway. But overnight my two best friends, both girls who had repeatedly denied being anything but straight, were now dating? HOLY CRAP!!!!
Eh. I got over it. I love them both very much, so I had to. It was just....quite a shock.
Next....April! Tasia and Crispus get to go to a long-awaited Green Day concert! Whoot! We had an incredibly awesome time.
Three days later, GreenB and (Crispus' best (and obviously bi) guy friend) [Spode] go to a Green Day concert in a different town. Upon their return, GreenB faithfully reports to Crispus that Spode (whom GreenB once dated and Crispus once crushed on) had kissed her (GreenB) in the pool of the hotel they were staying at. Crispus' heart was broken.
Spode eventually apologized and Crispus accepted. Wooh, the drama's finally over! NOT!!!
GreenB confided to me that she doesn't feel comfortable being in "that kind of relationship" with Crispus. She had to end it. Crispus' newly mended heart was broken again, but this time it had been ripped out and stomped on.
A tensness grew between them. They aren't as comfortable around each other. Crispus feels isolated, and GreenB doesn't really want to hang out with Crispus all that much. She now tells me that I'm her best of all friends, and although she still likes Crispus, she can't stand her constant complaining.
I love Crispus. But she does complain very much. She always seems to be looking for sympathy, which I'm happy to give. Just not every moment of every day.
So now GreenB calls me her very best friend, Crispus wants GreenB to be her very best friend again, Spode doesn't know what's going on, makes nice with everyone but tells me he hates GreenB, Squirrel has confessed to GreenB that he cares for me but as of yet hasn't said a word of the sort to me directly, and the play opens in two days. It's quite hectic.
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Wow, that was fun. But am I done yet? NOT QUITE!
Now that you've been clued in, had you decided to read the twisted melodrama of my life, I get to complain.
I try not to complain to my friends because I don't want sympathy or attention like they do, and I don't like being complained to either. So you are all more than welcome to skip this next bit.
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR DOING SOMETHING WRONG? WHY DOES THIS ALL FALL ON ME? WHY AM I CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE, ALWAYS THE CONSOLER, THE SHOULDER FOR CRYING ON? CAN I NOT BE IN LOVE TOO? CAN i NOT WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH OTHER PEOPLE? ARG!
AND FURTHERMORE, ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whoo.
Sorry about that. I've been dying to get all of this out of my system. It's quite nice, actually.
Thanks for listening to me rant. I've missed you all sorely and still love you very much.
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Post by KoNeko on Apr 28, 2005 22:40:10 GMT -5
Fan! I was wondering where you had gone to. Anyway... let's see. I don't know how useful my suggestions will be because my teenage experience was not the greatest years of my life, but anyway. Here goes. Firstly, have you noticed that everyone - GreenB, Spode, Crispus and Squirrel - confide in you and lean on your for advice? That's not because you're being punished in any way; indeed, to me that actually looks like it's because you're the strongest link here. Your friends confide in you because you're a good friend, not because you've done anything wrong. So don't blame yourself for other people's problems. Secondly, if you need to rant, by all means go for it. I think that you should also let your IRL friends know how you feel though. Complaining is not necessarily a sign of weakness, because you want attention or something, but you might just need to get something off your chest, as you did. If you want to spend time with Squirrel, then you should be (and are) entitled to do so. Tell GreenB and Crispus that you love them, that they are great friends and you hope that they can reconcile their problems, but at the same time, they should offer you the same courtesty of listening to you if you need a sympathetic ear. Maybe, because they're inundated with their own issues, they aren't aware that you want to spend time alone with Squirrel, so you might have to draw their attention to that. I think that what needs to be done here is for you and your friends to open up the lines of communication between one another. They tell you their problems, so you should be able to reciprocate without feeling bad about it. Come on, you do that with us, right? Here, we gripe about our issues and everyone who reads them is a sympathetic ear (er, or eye, as the case may be). And that's how we support each other, by passing on advice or an encouraging word. Come back to TrapDoor soon, okay? We miss you.
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Tasia
Resident
Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
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Post by Tasia on Jan 14, 2006 8:38:08 GMT -5
Life is good.
So sorry I've been away forever.
In no particular order, I've started high school in the prestigious I.B. program, had a birthday, met a wonderfully intelligent exchange student from Poland (whom I have grown to like very much), had my share of drama, played for my school's volleyball team and am currently on a travelling team, moved into my new house, and am getting on quite well.
GreenB and Crispus are dating again, should you care to know. I've grown distant with them. Heck, I've grown distant with everyone. I am becoming increasingly shy and quiet, even anti-social, you might say. Squirrel and I got together, but then fell apart. I walked away suprisingly un-heartbroken. I spend most of my social time with my volleyball team, or at school, walking around campus with my Polish friend. He's enormously sardonic and usually apathetic. But he has a great sense of humor and he's really clever. We talk about language and cultutre and places and things. I really enjoy it, and I'm going to miss him dearly when he returns to Poland at the end of the school year.
I'm maintaining staigh A's in school, though it's becoming increasingly difficult. For the most part, I like it.
I love you all very much. Please do take care.
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Tasia
Resident
Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
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Post by Tasia on May 13, 2006 13:11:40 GMT -5
So the school year's almost over, and I feel like I'v changed alot. Being friends with ______ has made such a difference in my life, I've learned so much from him. He'll be leaving in two weeks. But I'd just like to use this journal to reflect upon all of the great times we've had together. Like sneaking me in to a school party thing he was invited to, just to eat pizza and leave. Like kayaking from my house up to the bridge and under it, to land on an island and have snail/slug wars. Like meeting his friend from France, and taking him to the beach on several occaisions, surfing and sunning and sandcastling-ing. Like teaching me Polish as best he can. Like bringing him to one of my volleyball tournaments so he could come to a Coheed and Cambria concert that night, during which I fell into a mosh pit and could have been seriously hurt, had he not held me around my waist and all but carry me out of it (shortly after insisting that I stand on his feet so I could see the band).
I'm going to try to visit him this winter, but I can't stand the thought of saying goodbye.
Still, end of exams to look forward to, and then a trip to Ireland.
I don't know, I'm pretty confused. But I still love you all, and hope you're well.
I've just finished reading All Quiet on the Western Front. It's one of those books that you come away from feeling so very changed and insignificant, so full of empathy that you only wish there was someone near you who could possibly understand what you are feeling, so you might cling to them. As it happened, the book reached its climax at the same time a heartbreaking Polish song I had on in the background did, as if it could get any more emotional. Yet I feel strangely detached; from the book, from my emotions, from the world around me.
This too shall pass, but am I really changed? What has happened to me in those 175 pages? Who am I now, who was I then, can I never go back? Am I better for it, does the scar it's left on my mind serve a noble purpose, or will it simply make me numb to all else? It doesn't seem right. But I don't think I would take it back if I could. It is an excellent book.
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Tasia
Resident
Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
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Post by Tasia on May 29, 2006 10:43:19 GMT -5
He's left this morning. We spent our last day together on Thursday, which was great. I had a volleyball seminar thing from 9 to noon. Then my mum and I picked him up, ran home to my house so I could have a quick shower, and went to see a movie. Then we went home to change again and hit the beach. My dad dropped us off and we proceeded to lay out on the sand and talk/laugh. After about an hour, we made a few calls and ended up going to meet a couple of his friends to go out for sushi. We were about a mile south of a pier, and were going to walk up to it to be picked up. Now, I had no idea I would be going out anywhere when I was at the beach. So my clothing consisted of a bathing suit, a white tank top and a pair of shorts. I wasn't exactly decent for going off the beach. So I wore his pants. So, wearing not entirely my own clothes, we took a lovely last walk on Daytona Beach. After a short wait, we got picked up by two of his friends from school (they were very nice). We went to this awesome little sushi place where the food was floating around an oval belt of water on little wooden boats. We split this really tasty curry thing and an intimidating order of spider rolls. I discovered a hidden talent - I am all but immune to the effects of wasabi! After that, his friends dropped us off at a big theatre complex/plaza thing, where we got picked up and driven to _______ where I changed back into my shorts. We took a picture together, hugged a couple of times, and said goodbye. I called him last night to wish him a good trip (he's going to California before Poland).
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Post by nancy on Jun 8, 2006 22:18:11 GMT -5
Tasia! You're IB, like me! Well, I did my exams in May, anyway, so I guess I can now say I *was* IB. And you two look cute together.
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Tasia
Resident
Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
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Post by Tasia on Jun 13, 2006 6:38:52 GMT -5
Aww, thanks Nanc. And congratulations! I do miss him terribly. But I'm doing my best to stay in touch. This is summer is crazy. I got back from a short trip to the Bahamas late Sunday night. Tomorrow, Wednesday the 14th, I am finally going to Ireland. Ack! I'm so nervous! I'm the one in my family who's always wanted to go, so I got off my butt and did something about it. But since I've planned this wole trip, I'm so anxious that something will go wrong and it'll be all my fault. Gah. But still! Ireland! Woo-hoo! I'll put up pics if you'd like to see them when I get back (on the 24th) Wish me luck!
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Post by KoNeko on Jun 13, 2006 9:38:46 GMT -5
*grins* All these Glenmorians going to Ireland... I want to go to! Have a great trip, Fan!
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Tasia
Resident
Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
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Post by Tasia on Nov 25, 2006 22:26:31 GMT -5
My God, so much has happened! I haven't the slightest idea where to even begin, or really why I want to at all. But for some reason I feel like writing down what's been going on with me. As it is, I can't think of a better place to do so, among the caring and considerate Glenmorians whom I miss. So...I left off at my trip to Ireland. It was AMAZING, but I really don't feel I've the patience to describe all of it. Some of my favorites were Doolin and Dublin, and all of County Sligo. I really enjoyed my trip, and it only left me with a greater case of wanderlust than ever before. So after coming home I called him in California, and he seemed really glad to hear from me. When he came home for about three days I got to see him once more before he left, which was great. We had a really nice time beachin' it and catching up. He left, it's true, but you wouldn't believe how well we've kept in touch! We talk all of the time on MSN, and we've already chosen dates for my three week visit next June-July. But before I go to Poland, I will be spending one week in Germany. Why, you ask? Why, because I've got a German exchange student living with me! That's right folks. The stunning [Bellina] is, for a year, my big sister. I absolutely love her! She's wonderful and smart and I can't tell you how much fun it is to show her my Sunshine State. Everything's going well in school, though it's getting rather difficult and stressful. I'm really wanting winter vacation to come around. I'll get to have time off from school, bring an exchange student to Epcot (how fabulous), enjoy the cold weather....and I'll be getting a package from Poland. In other exchange student news, he called his old host dad a while ago to see how things were and mentioned that I was hosting [Bellina], so his host dad invited the two of us to a party thing with a bunch of other inbounds. They're all wonderful, it's so easy to fall in love with foreign kids. Oh my goodness, I talk about them so much! My friends at school call me a foreigner magnet, and I'm good friends with three exchange students at my school, and acquainted with the fourth. [Bellina] positively swears that I'll marry a foreign man some day. So I guess that's all for now. Things are good, I'm in a constant state of excitement for the things ahead (largely this summer, even though I know it's so far off). Hope eveyone's well, miss and love you. -Tasia
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Post by KoNeko on Jan 2, 2007 0:51:49 GMT -5
Hey Fan, I don't know when you'll check this, but happy birthday baby badger.
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Tasia
Resident
Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
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Post by Tasia on Apr 11, 2007 15:45:00 GMT -5
All is well with me. I've been terribly busy with school and Interact - a Rotary service club that I founded at my school. I've been elected president too, which is very nice but a lot of work. I'm having a great time with my German girl, who's father and younger sister just left after a two week visit. It's strange how you can meet someone and feel as if you've known them for years. I adore [Bellina]'s whole family, and they are very excited to have me in Germany this summer.
With only two months to go, I find it diffcult to wait. Not only will it be an adventure, but a reunion. And with such people! I love them all.
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Tasia
Resident
Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
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Post by Tasia on Apr 30, 2007 16:19:25 GMT -5
Est-ce qu'on peut mettre mon journal dans la salle cachee? Merci! J'ai lu le livre "Le Petit Prince". Il est tres doux - il m'a dit qu'on risque de pleurer un peu si l'on s'est laissé apprivoisé. Je suis d'accord!!! Il me fait triste, mais je peux etre contente parce-que j'ai quelque chose d'autre qui me fait tres excitee - il n'y a que trent-huit jours et je ferai une visite a ma famille allemande! Apres ca, dix jours jusqu' a j'habiterai avec mon cher ami en Pologne pour trois semaines. Il me manque BEAUCOUP!!!Alors, mes etudes termineront bientot. Peut-etre je vais ecrire encore, si je le voudrai...oh, et je suis desole. Je suis sure que mon francais est tres mal. Je parle l'espagnol mieux, mais si j'ecris en francais, j'apprendrai, n'est pas? [Zanim pójdê, tutaj chcia³abym mówiæ po polsku. To trudno, ale myœlê, ¿e mogê uczyæ siê.] Au revoir! Et rappelez-vous qu'est-ce que le renard de le petit prince a dit. "Voici mon secret. Il est tres simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux".
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Tasia
Resident
Will she ever find her way?
Posts: 107
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Post by Tasia on Jun 7, 2007 12:43:03 GMT -5
In 15 minutes I am driving to the airport. I am going to Germany today.
Poland and Czech Republic are next!
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